Instant Expert - Futbol for Americans

A quick primer to avoid sounding clueless.

Some things that differ from American sports:

• There are no team timeouts, even for TV breaks. The Ref may stop game for injury, etc. There is talk of water breaks at 30 minutes in to each half if temp and humidity exceed certain thresholds.
• There are two halves, not four quarters.
• Each half is 45 minutes.
• The clock counts up, not down. The clock does not reset a halftime, so clock with read "45:00" at the start of the second half and count up to 90+.
• If you see (55') next to someone's name, it means they scored a goal in the 55th minute of the game.  
• Stoppage time is not overtime. Yes, the Ref can add as much or as little time as he likes for any reason. It is usually about 3 or 4 minutes.
• Overtime is not stoppage time.
• It is where the ball is, not where the player is.
• It isn't out of bounds or in the goal unless the ball crosses the line entirely.
• You don't understand the off-side rule and never will, so stop jawing about it.
• You don't understand advantage or hand-balls either, so stop jawing about them.
• If the ref didn't call it, it wasn't a foul, handball, or yellow card.
• Two yellows equals one red.
• Each team typically has 11 players per side, 10 field players, plus the goalkeeper.
• When taking about alignment, they don't count the keeper, and the numbers start in the back and work forward. So, a 4-4-2, would mean playing with 4 fullbacks, 4 midfielders, and 2 strikers.
• If a player is sent off, his team players with fewer men. (You can't sub in another player for someone who has fouled out, as you can in basketball. It is more like a permanent power play for the opponent, to use a hockey term.)
• Each team is allowed only three substitutions during the match.
• Once a player subs out, he can't sub back in.
• The sign being help up on the sideline with green and red numbers indicates the jersey numbers of substitutes and the player being taken out of the game. Or it indicates the number of minutes of stoppage time being added.
• There is no shot clock.
• Games can end in ties during pool play.
• Uruguay has won more World Cups than Spain, France, or England, but not in a long time.
• Brazil has won the same number of World Cups as Germany and Argentina combined (Messi has won zero).
• Every national team has a name or nickname, but few people use them.
• The US MNT has never won (not even come close); you are thinking of the US Women's National Team.
• Netherlands is widely considered the best national team never to win the Cup. Spain ceded that label when they won the title in 2010. But Netherlands crushed Spain 5-1 yesterday.

Players you should google for if you want to understand Nike commercials:

• Neymar
• Messi
• Ronaldo
• Balotelli
• van Persie
• Rooney
• Iniesta 
• Forlán
• Schweinsteiger
• Drogba
• And, no, Landon Donovan is not playing. Root for Dempsey, Howard, or Altidore.

Some terminology -

• Brazuca - they name their balls. Seriously.
• Jogo Bonito - means "the beautiful game" (Pele's autobiography is titled "My Life and the Beautiful Game."
• Soccer - you can call it "soccer." People understand. Call it football if you don't mind sounding British or pretentious.
• Pitch - it's not a "field," it's a pitch.
• Match - it's not a "game," it's a match.
• Side - what you call a "team."
• Boot - what you call a "cleat."
• Pace - speed. Usually said of players and not just the ball.
• Keeper or GK - you sound silly calling him "the goalie."
• Penalties - technically, tie-breakers are "shots from the penalty mark" not "PKs," But people often say "they won it in penalties."
• Golden goal - what Americans call "sudden death."
• Foul - committing an offense.
• "Penalty is given" - the other team is likely screwed.
• Penalty kick - see Roshambo.
• Simulation - taking a dive (a cautionable offense).
• Caution - a yellow card.
• Send-off - a red card.
• Booked - the ref issued a caution or sent a player off. 
• Argy-Bargy (n) - mutual fouling and jersey-pulling that occurs on every corner kick.
• Chippy (n) - a place to get fish-n-chips
• Chippy (adj) - said of a match that has gotten aggressively physical and someone is likely to get injured.
• AR - Assistant Referee (also "linesman")
• Penalty Box - unrelated to the hockey kind. Aka "The Box" or "18-yard line."
• Touch line - it's "touch line" not "sideline."
• Goal line - it's called the "goal line" all the way to the corner flags, not just in the goal mouth.
• Six-yard box or "Goal Box" - for hockey fans, it isn't called "the crease"
• Half-way line - it's not "the 50-yard line."
• 10 yards - minimum distance to be ceded on most kicks, having nothing to do with first downs.
• "The flag is up" - attacking player is off side and the goal will not count.
• Three points - the number of points a team earns for a win, even if they win 1-0.
• "They need three points" - the team needs to win.
• Finish - to score a goal.
• Service - to kick the ball near the goal so a teammate can finish.
• Possession - nine-tenths of the law.
• Stoppage time - the amount of time the Ref adds at the end of each half to compensate for delays, injuries, etc. Usually 1 to 5 minutes.
• LOTG - Laws of the Game (there are 17 of them)
• One point - the number of points a team earns for a tie, regardless of score.
• R16 or "Round of 16" - what the NCAA calls the Sweet Sixteen.
• QF or "Quarter Finals" - what the NCAA calls the Elite Eight.
• SF or "Semi Finals" - what the NCAA calls the Final Four.
• EPL - Pronounced Ee - Pee - El. English Premier League. A good league in the UK
• UEFA  - Pronounced YOU-eef-uh - The top league in Europe and the world.
• Barca - pronounced "BAR-sah." They are a club team not a national team and don't play in the WC, but many of their players do.
• Arsenal - see Barca.
• The Cup is not the Stanley Cup - See http://www.fifa.com/aboutfifa/organisation/marketing/brand/trophy.html 
• Copa du Mundial - what is known to Americans as the World Cup.
• The Finals - what is known to Americans as the World Cup in in fact the culmination of a multi-year qualification process. The month from June 12 - July 13 is the Finals, whereas the last game is "the Final Match."